ARCHITECTURAL COLOR SKETCHES | 478
The Cult of the Infinite by Isaac Barraclough / via
It’s nearly 5am and I haven’t been to sleep yet… put the world service on and have been gently working on my portfolio.
I know I need to be up in 3 hours. Butttt somehow it doesn’t matter too much. Tomorrow will be ok. I can sleep on Monday.
Saw the gp today, and he got on to the cmht and was talking about getting me assessed by the duty team today, but instead I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Thursday, someone I saw a few times last year.
I’m struggling to care about any of this. Hardly said anything in the appointment. Tired of it all. I’d rather be left alone.
I’m sad. And tired. I’ve had a good few days - so much better than I have been - but I think I’m crashing now. I can’t keep up. Thought that it would be ok, what with settling back into work and being able to get exercise in and starting to read books again and all that stuff that’s technically good but I’m still falling apart. I was just pushing it away. Still end up curled up in bed crying. But hey, I had a good few days, right? I was sociable and friendly and outgoing yesterday, and I wore a new dress and I thought it looked ok on me. Work went well today, and I met the managers and they don’t seem to hate me. That should count for something, but I don’t know that it does.
Good music on. Mind engaged and active. Not on work, but I’m thinking - thinking for myself, thinking about the world. Today’s musings: the Rosenhan experiments; and the tendency of the (male) experts to suggest psychiatric disorders in women in this episode of Horizon from a couple of years ago; aid, development and activism; the positives and problems of viral social media campaigns.
today up and down and up and down
all I can do is rest and hope
and know that I will be ok